| | By Mick James
Why do consultants
talk such rubbish?
Consultants are
intelligent, articulate,
highly-educated people
who are both passionate
and knowledgeable about
what they do. Ask them
to express any of this
in writing and the
results are often
horrible.
Everything occurs in
the passive voice
“processes are
optimised”,
“goal-oriented metrics
are introduced”.
There’s an awful lot of
“driving” and “value”
but no cheap cars and
the word “leverage“
crops up with metronomic
consistency. Why do we
do this to ourselves
and our clients?
Every profession has
its professional jargon.
Seafaring, for example,
has its own vocabulary:
“Avast behind! Harden
the mainsail!” But
usually this is
shorthand with a precise
definition – every
captain has to deal with
a landlubber at some
point. And when you’re
dealing with new
concepts, it’s useful to
be able to explain them
to the people. Take the
idea of “business
processes”, a major
conceptual advance of
the 20th century, yet I
doubt whether there are
more than a couple of
people in any given
company who really
understand what it
means. Could you
explain it?
Incidentally, the
question I am most asked
about my job at parties
is “What do consultants
actually do?”. “Optimise
business processes,” I
reply, then head swiftly
for the loo.
But beyond
justifiable professional
jargon, there is a | |
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| | suspect, is the
linguistic melting pot
in the States, where a
lot of this stuff
originates. I was in an
American airport
recently and a voice
announced “an alarm
situation is in
progress” (even as bell
rang and light flashed).
Odd, I thought, but the
English idiom “The alarm
has gone off” is equally
inscrutable. Gone off
where? Why not “It is
alarming”? Or just
“Alarm!” Phrasal verbs
like “going off” are
particularly difficult
for non-English speakers
but virtually invisible
to the rest of us. Why
aren’t “sit up” and “sit
down” opposites, like
“get on” and “get off”?
But if you don’t get on
with someone, it hardly
means you’ll get off
with them.
Faced with this
minefield it’s much
safer to retreat into
the passive voice and
use neutral words like
“situation”.
A final dire
influence is modern
technology, which allows
you to quickly assemble
a mass of data and then
start writing in all
directions. Points and
concepts crowd the
brain, and they all seem
as important as each
other. You end up trying
to squeeze everything
into the piece, if not
the first sentence.
This is all a
tragedy, because
consultancies have
invested so much in
knowledge management
systems, rightly
thinking that the
combined expertise and
experience of a
consulting firm, if
captured, could be used
to create an
intellectual weapon of
mass-creation.
Unfortunately it hasn’t | |
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| | worked out like that,
and “Maybe there’s
something about this in
the knowledge base” is a
phrase I often use as a
cruel taunt to hapless
PRs and marketing
people. Garbage-in,
garbage-out is the rule
in KM, unfortunately.
This is because
grasping the essentials
of a complex situation
is not an easy thing to
do. If it were, we’d all
be brilliant short story
writers. Unfortunately,
there’s something of a
shortage of talent in
that direction, which is
why the principles of
journalism were evolved
to allow lazy people
like myself to earn a
living.
Journalism might seem
complicated, but its
essence is contained in
these lines by Rudyard
Kipling:
“I keep six honest
serving-men
(They taught me all I
knew);
Their names are What
and Why and When
And How and Where and
Who.”
If a piece of
business writing or
exposition doesn’t
answer these questions,
it is probably of no use
to a prospective client
(who may start asking
their own questions,
such as “Who are you and
why are you telling me
this? How did you get on
this shortlist anyway?
Etc).
Here are some tips
and exercises that will
improve your writing:
1. Read critically.
Writing has no hidden
moving parts. Read
well-written articles
and ask, why is this
piece written in this
order? Where did the
writer get the
information? What
questions are | |
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| | unanswered? Try and
shorten the piece by
crossing out whole
paragraphs at a time and
see if it still makes
sense.
2. Write a set of
instructions telling a
complete novice how to
make a cup of tea. Then
read George Orwell’s “A
Nice Cup of Tea”
(http://www.netcharles.co
m/orwell/essays/nicecupof
tea.htm) . Humbling,
isn’t it?
3. Try explaining
what you do for a living
to a reasonably
intelligent 13-year old.
If they don’t run away,
tell them about your
latest project.
4. Following up on
this, unlock the natural
power of your brain to
structure material into
narrative by simply
describing your project
or idea to another
person. Note which
things you highlight,
and what points follow
each other. Or you could
try writing the piece,
not with a PC, but a
nice fountain pen.
5. Finally, most
non-professional writers
will spend about 10-20%
of their time gathering
material and the rest
(usually over a weekend)
trying to write the
piece. Reverse this.
Spend every minute you
have assimilating and
understanding your
material, and write it
up in the shortest
possible time – say
double that needed to
type it out at your
normal typing speed.
6. Finally, learn to
love and enjoy the
English language – it’s
like having a priceless
treasure of unbelievable
antiquity in your own
home. Don’t use it as a
doorstop!
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